I don't think your pets respect you.

My sister has a gorgeous pitbull named Bijoux.

Okay, I know you're thinking "What's wrong with her?" but, honestly, she's a really sweet dog. I mean she may have the hands of a burly, wood-chopping, lumberjack, but she tries to be gentle, I think. She really almost does, kind of.

I think that when she jumps up on me, it's her way of saying, "Hey, we're friends, let's conversate and really see eye-to-eye on things." That's the idea I'm getting. Unfortunately, it translates physically into "My nails are made of broken bicycle spokes and I intend to do you great bodily harm while looking like I have a huge smile on my face because I'm mocking you."

Maybe if I spoke dog.

She just has these big sweet eyes, and she just looks at you so intently like she adores you or wants to eat the lips off your face, and you can't help but love her when she rolls on her back and flails her paws in the air, but that's the perfect moment to run because she's distracted.

Also, my best friend owns this adorable tabby cat named Izzy. There's nothing wrong with her, either. She just has the attention span of a cat with no attention span and obviously doesn't understand English. She's forever getting into trouble and tipping things over and laying on the scarecrow... don't ask. And every time I come over, she's managed to find the most ridiculous 'toys' to bat around the carpet.

Three bottle caps, a bottle, a screw, a Hanna Montana hair extension, lip balm, a candy wrapper, another screw, a ball of paper, a cough drop... Like, basically going to my best friend's house is never without a few rousing games of 'What's In Her Mouth?', 'Did You Hear That?', and 'What the F*** Is She Breaking Now??'. Better than Snakes and Ladders.

I'm not sure where I was going with this.

Yeah, I can't own pets, because if you're gonna be my pet, you will f***ing respect me and not put s*** in your mouth. And apparently, only rocks can do that, and rocks are great for throwing and we all know I have not-great anger management.